wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i need some magic done to my vagina
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
