Just fell off a train. Bad.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
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So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
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I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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