Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
