I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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