i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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