the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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