Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
