I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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