Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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