I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
