I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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