I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
