I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
