I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Randomize
