i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
