if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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