respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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