just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
