oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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