These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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