He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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