so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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