apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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