Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
