I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
