i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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