The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
