what day is it and did you see me today?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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