During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
