I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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