hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
