Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
