my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I pour the whiskey from now on
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
