We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
