then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
