I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
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Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm bleeding and have questions
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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