Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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