2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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