my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
