This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
