Welp...herpes.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
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