Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
