Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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