Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
