I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
