i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
