My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
