I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
