Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
