She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
