Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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