It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
