12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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