and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
