this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
