Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
