he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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