Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
