How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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