mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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