Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
