I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
