i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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